


Everyone: Question Status As 'Earth-Bros'

by AOrange



Series: Fruity Rumpus Afterlife Road Trip [20]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Meteorstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOrange/pseuds/AOrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi's disappearing more and more often, Karkat can't handle any more of Dave's constant but unintentional pale flirting, and Kanaya is certain that she's right and Rose is wrong. Just another average afternoon on the meteor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone: Question Status As 'Earth-Bros'

**== > BE DAVE**

DAVE: hey where were you last night

Her pause would have been suspicious if there was actually anywhere worth disappearing to on this piece of shit meteor. You don't know why Rose had felt the need to shut you in the bathroom last night when you actually had plans for the evening. Besides, It had only been exactly five days, three hours, and twenty eight seconds since you'd last showered and you're of the solid and definitely right opinion that the god pjs take care of that shit for you. 

Terezi looks down at you, turning her attention away from her sketch on the wall. She's been carefully working on a winter theme for a few days and the sky she's drawn is all greys and deep blues, raging storms driving heavy rains towards Can Town. The Mayor is busy at the other end of the room setting up an emergency shelter for the citizens in the event of flash flooding. You've been idly doodling concerned members of the public on the lower part of the wall, just up from the floor, staring at the sky and the insane, endless destruction that no doubt awaits them in a few days. The floor is cold and your elbows ache, even with the pillow under them. You should have dragged a blanket around from the common room because you can feel the chill under your stomach even through your shirt. 

TEREZI: 1 W4S LOOK1NG FOR YOU FOR L1K3 4N 34RTH HOUR   
DAVE: yeah rose wouldnt let me out of the bathroom until i had shower   
TEREZI: Y34H, 1 SHOULD TH4NK H3R FOR TH4T  
TEREZI: YOU W3R3 ST4RT1NG TO SM3LL T3RR1BL3   
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: not you too  
DAVE: the pjs are fuckin magic  
DAVE: does their magic fade after a while   
TEREZI: YOU'V3 B33N W34RING YOUR NORM4L CLOTH3S FOR L1K3 4 MONTH YOU 1D1OT   
DAVE: shit

She's right. You tell her as much, and remind her that she's so fucking observant for a blind girl and you're constantly impressed by her bitchin' skills. She does not entirely appreciate the sentiment and flicks a stick of chalk at you and her aim is so good that you need to drop your head to the floor to avoid being hit in the face. She laughs when you take the chalk and add it to your pile, out of her reach, and just picks up another stick from the shared box and pulls a face at you. 

DAVE: bitchingly mature tz  
DAVE: but seriously where were you   
TEREZI: 1 COULDN'T F1ND YOU ANYWH3R3 SO 1 HUNG OUT H3R3 FOR 4 WH1LE  
TEREZI: 4ND WH3N YOU N3V3R SHOW3D UP 1 JUST W3NT B4CK TO MY BLOCK AND FINALLY G4V3 S3N4TOR L3MONSNOUT TH4T H34RING H3 W4S 3NT1TL3D TO 4 F3W W33KS 4GO   
DAVE: i checked your block like twice   
TEREZI: 1 MUST H4V3 M1SS3D YOU  
TEREZI: WH1CH 1S S4D B3C4US3 TH3 H34R1NG GOT PR3TTY H34T3D FOR 4 WH1L3 TH3R3   
DAVE: howd it go   
TEREZI: H3 GOT OFF 1N THE 3ND   
DAVE: i thought he was charged with like multiple felonies  
DAVE: like six murders  
DAVE: robbing the bank  
DAVE: kicking over that trash can  
DAVE: setting fire to the school while the wigglers were inside it  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: a whole bunch of shit that should have got him like six life sentences   
TEREZI: Y34H TH4T W4S H1M BUT 1 L1KE H1M  
TEREZI: SO 1 ACT3D 4S H1S D3F3NC3 4ND GOT H1M CL34R3D OF 4LL CH4RG3S  
TEREZI: TH4T'S WHY TH3 F1GHT BROK3 OUT   
DAVE: man i cant believe i missed that   
TEREZI: 1T W4S 4 F41R TR14L B3C4USE W3 W3R3 UP 4G41NST PROS3CUTOR GR3YNOS3   
DAVE: oh shit   
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY  
TEREZI: 3V3N W1TH M3 D3F3ND1NG TH3 S3N4TOR 1T W4S CLOS3   
DAVE: sorry i missed it

You are sorry you missed that because you've been looking forward to that trial forever. Shit was hilarious when it went down and Lemonsnout had gone on his rampage through Can Town. He'd been arrested and thrown around in jail for a while and you'd both had a great time playing out that scenario. Lemonsnout was a badass when he wanted to be, or at least when the game called for him to be. You'd played the part of the citizens that day as well, and they'd been running around avoiding the dragon, calling the cops, trying to start up a vigilante justice group. 

Just sometimes, you like playing these games. Only a little and only sometimes, as if the everyday monotony was forcing you to admit that yeah, you fucking do still enjoy dicking around in Can Town like this. 

TEREZI: SO WH3R3 W3R3 YOU WH1L3 TH3 H34R1NG OF THE C3NTURY W4S GO1NG DOWN?   
DAVE: okay so after dinner  
DAVE: rose dragged me to the bathroom and locked me in  
DAVE: like she sat outside the door until i came out with washed hair and shit  
DAVE: like she actually smelt my hair and shit  
DAVE: what is she my mother  
DAVE: dont answer that  
DAVE: she finally let me go and i absconded the fuck out of there  
DAVE: checked your block  
DAVE: can town  
DAVE: common room  
DAVE: did a few laps and couldnt find you  
DAVE: ended up back in my block a while later  
DAVE: just fucked around  
DAVE: mixed some sweet ass beats   
DAVE: you should come round later and hear  
DAVE: they are so ill that i thought about calling 911  
DAVE: because fuck  
DAVE: so ill  
DAVE: i cant even think of a convoluted metaphor to describe how sick these beats are   
TEREZI: 1'M SO D1S4PPO1NT3D  
TEREZI: 4ND YOU'R3 4 LI4R  
TEREZI: YOU'V3 PROB4BLY GOT SOM3 M3T4PHOR M3MORIS3D FOR T1M3S L1K3 TH1S   
DAVE: yeah but this wasnt the time to use it  
DAVE: im saving that one  
DAVE: its too perfect  
DAVE: but yeah  
DAVE: was just lying around trying to write some kick ass rhymes  
DAVE: and i succeeded   
DAVE: like a fuckin champ

You're getting much better at lying and you're fairly certain that it's because you haven't seen Lil Cal in over a year. Without the fucker staring over your shoulder all the time, keeping a straight face while lying through your fucking teeth is surprisingly easy. It's not that you didn't get some sick earth raps written last night so you're not straight up lying either but you are lying by omission and lying by omission is the best kind of lying, you've always thought. 

She can probably smell that you're lying, or not telling the whole truth, or whatever, but it's too late to go back now. You are committed to escalating this ladder of complete bs but you're going to have to come up with something better than 'I was writing sick raps all night' if you're going to get away with it for very long. Terezi knows for a fact that most of your writing sessions turn into you lying on the floor and counting the bolts on the ceiling instead of actually getting shit done. 

Almost on cue she cocks an eyebrow at you and you shrug as best you can, rolling over so you're on your back because that's slightly more comfortable than having your elbows digging in to steel. She sits back on her heels and you can tell she's trying to stare you down but she's missed, only slightly, and she's glaring at your chin rather than your eyes. Mad props to her though, she's a lot better at that now. She used to miss you entirely and ended up facing off with the microwave or whatever shit was three feet to your left. 

The thing is, that while you're just omitting the other half of your night, she's flat out lying. You're not sure what she's up to but you can only hope it's something harmless. 

She grins a wicked grin then, the one that's her in a nutshell, the one that's all teeth that makes you kind of just stare and wonder how she fits them all in her jaw because none of the other trolls you've met seem to have half as many teeth as she does, not even that one that's her trollmom or trolldaughter or however the fuck that works. She sits back up properly, facing the wall again but this time she's got a fistful of assorted chalk and you know she's about to go for some kind of natural disaster. It's going to be a big one, judging from that grin. It's unnerving, even now. 

It's been two hundred thirty one days since she hanged you. 

You still wake up sometimes, in the middle of the night, gasping for air. 

You forgave her because in the end she'd understood what had pissed you off about that whole thing. Or she said she did, anyway. She's said things in the middle of conversations since then that make you think she has absolutely no idea why she was in the wrong but you're almost willing to put the whole thing down to a culture clash. Almost.

DAVE: so what tragic fate does tomorrow hold for can town   
TEREZI: 1'M TH1NK1NG 4 TORN4DO  
TEREZI: W3 H4V3N'T H4D ON3 OF THOS3 Y3T 4ND IT'LL BE SO TR4G1C   
DAVE: thats exactly what this place needs

You're pretty thankful that your phone chooses this exact moment to start vibrating in your pocket. You slip it out and flick the screen on from standby to see a log of messages that appear to have started building up over the last hour. 

TEREZI: SO WHO'S D3M4ND1NG YOUR 4TT3NT1ON NOW?   
DAVE: absolutely fuckin everyone  
DAVE: well not everyone  
DAVE: but almost everyone  
DAVE: rose kanaya karkat  
DAVE: man they just cant leave me alone   
TEREZI: WH4T'R3 TH3Y 4SK1NG?   
DAVE: rose wants to know if ive recovered from the shower yet  
DAVE: snarky bitch   
TEREZI: W3LL YOU'R3 ST1LL P1SS3D 4BOUT 1T   
DAVE: dont you start  
DAVE: kanaya just wants to know if i managed to find you last night   
TEREZI: WHY?   
DAVE: because tz  
DAVE: i flipped out some when i couldnt find you  
DAVE: asked her if shed seen you  
DAVE: she hadnt  
DAVE: ill just tell her we kept missing each other  
DAVE: no biggie   
TEREZI: OK4Y  
TEREZI: WH4T DO3S K4RK4T W4NT?   
DAVE: give me a sec here

You're trying to type out a response to Kanaya because she sent you her initial message an hour thirty three minutes ago but your phone keeps beeping - Karkat's seen that you're not idle anymore and he's sending you one message after another. You finish your brief reply to Kanaya, that you never found her but she was in her block all along, and flip over to Karkat's screen. 

DAVE: oh hell   
TEREZI: 1'M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU M34N OH H3LL Y34H   
TEREZI: TH1S SOUNDS 1NT3R3ST1NG   
DAVE: what  
DAVE: oh hell no tz  
DAVE: im not dealin with any more of your shipping shit  
DAVE: hes just being an asshole  
DAVE: i think its payback for that time we contacted him in the future from the past to tell him some shit  
DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: man we should do that again   
TEREZI: GO ON, T3LL M3 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 S41D   
DAVE: he told me to go and fuck myself then called me a useless waste of paradox space  
DAVE: piss poor attempt  
DAVE: i think hes losing his touch   
TEREZI: OR YOU M4D3 TH4T UP   
DAVE: quit while youre ahead tz

She cackles again and you raise a lazy hand to flip her off. You're trying to figure out the best thing to reply with because you're pretty sure it needs to be both sincere and insincere enough to completely fuck with him. Terezi looks back to you, eyebrow slightly raised above her glasses, when you give a snort of laughter. You just raise your own in response and she turns back to the wall, but you don't miss the grin she's using to prevent herself from saying anything.

TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU TH1S SH1T W4S G3TT1NG GOOD   
DAVE: still ahead  
DAVE: quit now

She's still working on the drawing, no longer bothering to turn her attention away. You're pretty fucking sure thats a good thing because it means she's giving up on harassing you about Karkat. Vantas is still irritating you though, and it seems like he's going out of his way to make that a thing that is happening. His messages are coming sentence by sentence because he knows you're on your phone, not your computer, and that he's forcing the unread parts off the screen before you can catch up. You don't even bother to read some of them because you've figured out he's just talking shit. 

TEREZI: YOU'R3 LOOK1NG PR3TTY 4NGRY D4V3   
DAVE: stop it  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: youre about to end up so far behind that being ahead is nothing more than a distant memory  
DAVE: yhear   
TEREZI: H3Y, 1 JUST T3LL 1T L1K3 1 S33 1T   
DAVE: yeah well we both know youre blind and cant see jack   
TEREZI: Y34H BUT 1 C4N SM3LL YOUR 1RR1T4T1ON 4ND R1GHT NOW 1T'S D3L1C1OUS   
DAVE: and i can see a rogue disease completely wiping out the prison guards  
DAVE: which means that congressman limescale would be back on the streets in hours   
TEREZI: NOT L1M3SC4L3!   
DAVE: and you know full well hes set for revenge  
DAVE: and that lemonsnouts the one who provided the evidence that got him locked up  
DAVE: and that means that lemonsnouts top of the revenge list   
TEREZI: D4V3 YOU WOULDN'T!   
DAVE: try me   
TEREZI: TH4T'S BL4CKM41L!   
DAVE: might be   
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU BL4CKM41L1NG 4 M3MB3R OF TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TORS?   
DAVE: am i   
TEREZI: YOU T3LL M3  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1F YOU 4R3 4ND YOU STOP NOW 1'LL DOWNGR4D3 TH1S TO H4RBOR1NG 1NT3NT1ONS OF BL4CKM41L  
TEREZI: 1NST34D OF 4CTU4LLY CH4RG1NG YOU W1TH BL4CKM41L   
DAVE: oh shit i am so scared   
TEREZI: YOU SHOULD B3  
TEREZI: 1'M RUTHL3SS   
DAVE: aw shit  
DAVE: how am i gonna weasel my way outta this

You're only half paying attention to the conversation as you punch out replies to Karkat. He's asking some shit about your plans for the rest of the day and if you'll be in your block later and you're trying not to laugh because his efforts to be GREAT EARTH BROS have doubled since Christmas. He's been acting stranger than usual in the last week and you have no idea why since you actually went out of your way to alchemize pretty cool gifts for everyone this year. 

TEREZI: HOW 4R3 YOU GONN4 G3T OUT OF 1T?  
TEREZI: TH3R3'S NO G3TT1NG OUT IF 1T  
TEREZI: YOU BL4CKM41L3D 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR   
DAVE: well fuck  
DAVE: better abscond

You sit up and slip your phone back into your pocket with the intention of dealing with the rest of the messages when you're out of Can Town. You're only going to find Karkat anyway, and tell him that under no circumstances is he to just fucking turn up and expect you to be okay with him being all up in your space. You push your chalk pile closer to Terezi - the sky is starting to look pretty fucking amazing - then stand up. 

TEREZI: YOUR H34R1NG 1S SCH3DUL3D FOR THR33 D4YS FROM NOW  
TEREZI: YOU'D B3TT3R NOT M1SS 1T   
DAVE: wouldnt dream of it redglare

You wipe a chalk smudge off her cheek and replace it with a quick kiss, because the Mayor is watching and you don't want to make the dude jealous. She giggles, but the usual lick you're expecting in return never happens. You figure that she's just really into this drawing, just like you hope she was really in her block last night. 

You abscond while she's distracted and hope that she notices sooner rather than later. 

You have a strange feeling that you should stop getting your hopes up like this. 

 

**== > BE KARKAT**

You have not been sitting at your computer for fucking ever waiting for that icon to click over from idle to online. You have been discussing important things with Kanaya since you sat down because when you initially started messaging Strider you'd crapped on for a while about inane shit and then, and only then, had you realised he was idle and probably gave no fucks about your shit. So you'd started up the conversation with Kanaya in an attempt to account for your presence online at this point in time should anyone ever ask. 

Yeah, even you're not buying this complete load of fucking hoofbeast manure anymore. You're pissed at Strider because all of a sudden, he's stopped acting like an asshole and you don't think you can deal with it anymore. 

You still haven't forgotten the events of his human wriggling day a few weeks ago. You don't think you'll be forgetting them any time soon, no matter how hard you try. The two day Strider-Lalonde Wriggling Day Extravaganza had been followed by Human Christmas, and the memories of the two events that you were forced to endure have not left you since. 

Especially not Human Christmas. 

Why he was fucking with you like this you still don't know. You plan to find out but you don't even know where to start. Kanaya hasn't been much help on the matter since she's of the opinion that he's growing up, becoming more of a human adult than human wiggler, and that he's not even being ironic with his nice gestures. He gave you shit for Christmas again this year, you and everyone else. Except where last year he'd given you stupid shitty projects made out of soda cans and doritos packets, this year he'd given you a thick, hand-drawn comic book of the most hilarious shit you've all been through so far on the meteor and an admittedly ugly crab-print sweater. 

Who the fuck does that?

A complete asshole, that's who. 

A completely pathetic asshole who is slowly flying off the fucking handle for a hundred batshit fucking reasons, who's human sibling is already so far off the handle because of the large quantities of earth alcohol she's taken to drinking near daily, and who is completely fucking alone in the universe. 

You have no idea if all humans get this pathetic as they age or if its just the two you've been forced to spend three years with. It's frustrating that you have no point of reference for this shit and the worst part is that the more you watch from a distance, the more pathetic it all is. 

You're fairly certain that the next time Dave sulks out of the common room for whatever reason, you're not going to be able to stop yourself from actually flipping pale for him and that is the last fucking thing you need right now. 

It doesn't help that you can't even remember the last time you saw Gamzee.

Kanaya isn't being very useful, either. You've asked her for her advice and all she's telling you is shit you've heard before. Sort your fucking shit out, Vantas, that's what it boils down to in the end. Get your thinkpan on straight and make the fucking decision before someone else makes it for you. 

You're an idiot surrounded by idiots. 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]\--  
CG: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU'RE IDLE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE NO DOUBT YOU'LL TRY TAKING ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE STUPID PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOURSELF LOOKING LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING DOUCHEWAD, AND WHEN YOU DO YOU'LL SEE THIS.  
CG: BUT THE THING IS EVEN I AM STARTING TO GET BORED SHITLESS AROUND HERE.  
CG: IS SITTING AROUND IN YOUR BLOCK READING WHILE YOU MIX YOUR *SICK BEATS* SOMETHING THAT IS ACCEPTABLE FOR HUMAN BROS?  
CG: BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S DO THAT AGAIN OR LITERALLY KNOCK MYSELF OUT REPEATEDLY UNTIL WE GET TO THE NEW SESSION SO I DONT HAVE TO BE AWAKE FOR ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT.   
TG: dude slow down whats your damage  
CG: DID YOU NOT READ ANY OF THAT?  
TG: no its a giant wall of grey text  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: WHAT IS SAID WAS  
CG: CAN WE *HANG OUT* WHENEVER YOU'RE FINISHED WITH YOUR BULLSHIT?  
TG: yeah probably  
TG: ive got nothing on  
CG: SERIOUSLY?  
CG: YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO ARGUE THIS SHIT?  
TG: nah man  
TG: well have some kind of fuckin bros night  
TG: you know  
TG: doritos and video games and shit  
TG: best fuckin bros ever  
TG: stay up till two in the morning  
TG: maybe well even go and spy on the girls and see if we can see tits  
CG: ...  
CG: YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME.  
TG: pure strider sass  
CG: JEGUS.  
CG: YOU NEED TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT.  
CG: SERIOUSLY.  
CG: I'M GOING TO  
CG: TALK LIKE YOU FOR A WHILE  
CG: IN SHITTY RUN ON SENTENCES  
CG: THAT TAKE FOREVER TO GET TO THE FUCKING POINT  
CG: BECAUSE  
CG: I KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT  
CG: THAT YOU'RE USING YOUR PHONE RIGHT NOW  
CG: AND IT HAS A SHITTY LITTLE SCREEN ON IT  
CG: AND THE FACT THAT   
CG: EACH MESSAGE MAKES THE OLD ONES DISAPPEAR  
CG: AND FORCES YOU TO SCROLL UP  
CG: WHILE THE PHONE SCROLLS BACK DOWN   
CG: EACH TIME I SEND A NEW MESSAGE  
CG: PISSES  
CG: YOU  
CG: THE  
CG: FUCK  
CG: OFF.  
TG: dude are you okay  
TG: sounds like you busted something in your brain  
CG: I'LL BUST YOUR FACE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.  
CG: FUCK. I JUST ASKED IF WE WERE DOING THE BRO THING AGAIN TODAY.  
TG: and i said yeah  
TG: you need to calm down  
TG: seriously  
TG: or one day you're actually going to have whatever the troll equivalent of an aneurism is  
CG: AN ANEURISM.  
TG: yeah it's when human brains implode  
CG: NO YOU ASSHAT, WE CALL THEM ANEURISMS AS WELL.  
TG: multiculturalism is fuckin magic  
CG: JEGUS FUCK  
TG: yeah im coming to find you  
\--turntechGodhead [TG]ceased being trolled by carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

Fuck. Perfect. You, Karkat Vantas, are the single most idiotic piece of complete fucking shit that has ever existed. Somehow your attempt to piss him off just enough to make him laugh came off like a cry for help and now he's going around telling you to calm down. 

He told you to calm down, and now he's coming to find you to make sure you do just that. 

Fuck. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

You are now convinced you have reached the tier of complete fuckup on the my life is a joke echeladder, and are unable to stop yourself from throwing your husktop against the wall. 

You proceed to fall face first onto your pile of blankets. 

DAVE: you alive   
KARKAT: GO AND FUCK YOURSELF WITH SOMETHING RUSTY. I DON'T KNOW.   
DAVE: dude that was weak   
KARKAT: HOW DID YOU GET IN?   
DAVE: the door was open  
DAVE: like wide open  
DAVE: it wasnt even closed let alone locked  
DAVE: so whats the deal  
DAVE: lost your fucking mind or something   
KARKAT: I REALLY, *REALLY* CAN'T TAKE YOUR SHIT RIGHT NOW.   
DAVE: hey no shit  
DAVE: i checked it at the door  
DAVE: there will be no more of my shit until i get the okay  
DAVE: unless that counted as my shit  
DAVE: should i just shut the fuck up  
DAVE: i never majored in troll breakdowns  
DAVE: i never majored in anything  
DAVE: except how to be awesome   
KARKAT: I'M GUESSING YOU GOT KICKED OUT.   
DAVE: harsh man  
DAVE: but seriously  
DAVE: is this some kind of existential crisis  
DAVE: bro had one of those once  
DAVE: but he was like forty eight and made puppet snuff films  
DAVE: he had a pretty good reason  
DAVE: dude what happened to your laptop   
KARKAT: IT GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH THE WALL AND THE WALL WON.   
DAVE: no shit  
DAVE: but seriously whats up  
DAVE: hey man  
DAVE: idea  
DAVE: no you gotta look up  
DAVE: dude come on  
DAVE: i told you no sassback right now

You try your best to make it clear that you did not ask for him to be here and you did not ask for him to attempt to cheer you up. When you sit up and see his fist right in front of your face you hiss, but he doesn't flinch. He doesn't fucking flinch, he doesn't move his fist, he doesn't do anything. He just fucking sits there with that stupid blank expression on his face and you have no idea what he's trying to achieve. 

DAVE: dont leave me hanging man

Oh fuck. Not this shit. Not the 'fistbumps are an acceptable form of comfort in the Strider household' shit again. You try to glare at him but he raises an eyebrow in return, and waves his fist around in your face. You roll your eyes but raise a hand and bump your knuckles against his, probably harder than you needed to, because if you didn't he'd just sit there for the next hour waiting for you to return the gesture. 

He's satisfied with the attempt, pathetic as it was. 

Fuck.

DAVE: yeah well now i know your just throwing a shitfit  
DAVE: im outtie  
DAVE: you know where to find me if you need any more rad as fuck fistbumps

He leaves. 

You are getting seriously sick of the melodramatic plot twists that life has been throwing you lately.

 

**== > BE KANAYA**

KANAYA: Oh My   
ROSE: What is it?   
KANAYA: I Think We Are Very Close To Solving One Of Our Longest Running Mysteries   
ROSE: Oh?   
KANAYA: Oh Indeed  
KANAYA: Please Forgive Me But I Think This Conversation Is Going To Require My Full Attention  
KANAYA: Can We Continue This Discussion Momentarily   
ROSE: Seeing as we've been idly chatting about the reasons Alternia's Interview With A Rainbow Drinker was much more interesting than the Earth equivalent, I would say that yes, it can be put on hold while you deal with Karkat.   
KANAYA: I Didnt Say Anything About Karkat   
ROSE: What other mystery would you be talking about?   
KANAYA: Of Course  
KANAYA: It Was Just A Figure Of Speech And There Are No Other Mysteries   
ROSE: You are aware that you are absolutely incapable of lying without your cheeks flushing ever so slightly, aren't you?

You decide not to respond to Rose's accusation however correct it may be. She smiles at you from her end of the couch and then disappears behind a book without saying another word. You are very appreciative of the fact that she has been awake for hours and has not yet reached for one of her alchemised soporific beverages, despite the headache she was complaining of earlier. 

Karkat's trollian handle is flashing at you and all you can do is sigh because he has no doubt backed himself into an emotional corner again. You don't mind meddling just enough to get him out of the predicament of the day, but you have to go about it in just the right way or else he'll accuse you of meddling too much. You've done that a few times lately and at this point you're not sure if it's you actually meddling too much, or just him being an overly sensitive wiggler who is in way over his head.

There is no way this conversation will end without one of you accusing the other of some kind of dramatics. 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--   
CG: HEY KANAYA, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A WHILE?   
GA: Of Course   
CG: NO, I MEAN YOU'RE NOT BUSY OR ANYTHING ARE YOU?   
GA: I Assure You That If I Was Currently Unable To Speak With You I Would Tell You As Much  
GA: What Are You Concerned About   
CG: NOTHING. I JUST WANTED TO TALK.   
GA: You Just Wanted To Talk   
CG: YEAH. WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER.   
GA: Karkat What's Wrong   
CG: NOTHING. CAN'T WE JUST TALK WITHOUT SOMETHING BEING WRONG?  
CG: ACTUALLY, A FAVOR WOULD BE NICE.   
GA: What Sort Of Favour   
CG: WELL TECHNICALLY YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT JUST BY TALKING TO ME. I WANTED YOU TO BE ABLE TO SAY WE WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION AT THIS EXACT MOMENT IN TIME. AND FOR SOME MORE TIME BUT WE CAN WORK OUT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT LATER.   
GA: Why Do You Need An Alibi   
CG: I DON'T NEED AN ALIBI.   
GA: But If Anyone Asks You Were Online Talking With Me At This Moment On The Timeline   
CG: EXACTLY.

And so it had gone on for an entire revolution of the contraband human clock on the wall behind you, without Karkat ever explicitly stating why he needed to be occupied at this exact moment. He'd spent a long time joining in with yours and Rose's analysis of Interview, although he had no point of comparison with the Earth edition. He did, however, have some good insights that Rose had not picked up on through her initial reading, which led to a reasonably heated argument where you'd had to side with him over her, simply because he knew more about his own culture. Rose was learning fast, but not fast enough to notice the details that seemed superfluous when viewed through human eyes. 

You were almost able to forget that Karkat was using you until he suddenly changed the topic of conversation. 

CG: FUCK. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING FUCKER OF A MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER. THAT COMPLETE FUCKING FUCKED UP FUCKING BULGELICKING FUCKING FUCKER.  
GA: I Wonder If It Is Even Worth My Asking What Has Just Happened  
CG: FUCK. SHIT I CAN'T EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW.   
GA: Why Not  
CG: BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO FUCKING EXPLAIN. *CALM DOWN*? HE TOLD ME TO FUCKING CALM THE FUCK DOWN THE COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE NOOKSNIFFING MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE, AND THEN FUCKING SAID HE'S COMING TO *FIND ME SO I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING ANEURISM*!!!  
GA: Are You Upset  
GA: Karkat  
GA: Karkat Are You Still There  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now idle!  
GA: Karkat You Threw Your Husktop At The Wall Again Didnt You  
GA: Thats The Third One This Perigee  
GA: Oh Fuck It  
\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]\--

 

Rose watches as you close your husktop and put it down on the floor beside the couch. She raises a questioning eyebrow at you, which you return, and the whole thing turns into a battle of the strange facial expressions until she eventually lets a small giggle slip and you have to wait for the following fit to subside before you speak. 

KANAYA: I Was Right  
KANAYA: Both Yourself And Terezi Have Lost This Round And I Feel That Some Sort Of Award Is In Order  
ROSE: It's ugly to gloat like this, you realise? And I'm going to need a full run down of the events that have clearly just transpired in order to establish your status as 'winner' of this game.  
KANAYA: I Think I Have Just Seen The Best Evidence Yet That Karkat Is Harboring An Alarmingly Large Cache Of Pent Up Pale Emotion Towards Your Dear Brother  
ROSE: And your evidence is what exactly this time?  
KANAYA: He Is Currently Acting Like A Grub Because Dave Told Him To Calm Down And Is Heading To His Block To Ensure Said Calming Happens  
KANAYA: And Although I Am Convinced Dave Does Not Realise That His Actions Are Blatant Pale Flirting He Is Feeling Much The Same Way About Karkat  
ROSE: Again, I'm going to need to hear the evidence you're using to support this argument.   
KANAYA: Dave Has Left Terezi To Comfort Karkat  
ROSE: That could mean anything. Dave is not the brightest stick of chalk in Can Town's arsenal, no, and he wouldn't notice if he was flirting with anyone let alone an alien on said alien's terms but to use this as evidence of pale solicitations on his part seems preemptive. What is the possibility that Dave has left his current matesprit to act on feelings of a flushed crush towards another?  
KANAYA: Dave Has Clearly Expressed Concern For Karkats Wellbeing Which Can Be Used As Evidence Of Even Slight Pale Inclinations  
KANAYA: And Karkat Is Most Definitely Expressing Pale Inclinations  
KANAYA: He Threw His Husktop Against The Wall  
ROSE: He did that last week when Dave told him it was the only way he could get him to stop annoying him.  
KANAYA: Which To Karkat Was Flirting!!!  
ROSE: If I threw my husktop against the wall would you interpret that as flirting?  
KANAYA: No Because That Is Not How You Do Things  
ROSE: So throwing a husktop at a wall isn't always considered flirting, therefore your evidence is inadmissible.   
ROSE: Also, Dave says, in his exact words 'go and get fucked bros look out for bros and its something you couldnt understand because everyone actually hates you'. I think he's trying to get at the point that he is sufficiently over the subject.  
KANAYA: I Dont Hate You And Im Sure That The Mayor Doesnt Either  
ROSE: Thank you for the delightful clarification but I assumed as much. He's just very over the topic of his and Karkat's increasingly close brohood, so I don't suggest you talk to him about it for a little while.  
KANAYA: And What Are You Doing On The Husktop That You Seem To Have Appearified Out Of Nowhere While I Was Otherwise Occupied  
ROSE: Bothering him about it. He's enroute to Karkat's block as we speak and his reactions to my innocent questions are delicious.   
KANAYA: Rose!!!  
ROSE: I simply asked him what he was doing. And then he blocked me.   
KANAYA: This Is All Just Further Evidence To The Point That There Is An Aspect To Their Current Relationship That They Are Both Going To Extraordinary Lengths To Hide From One Another  
KANAYA: At Least Dave Is  
KANAYA: Karkat Wont Shut Up About It  
ROSE: I'll take him off you hands if you like.  
KANAYA: You Stay Out Of This  
KANAYA: Hes A Little Fragile About It Beneath The Constant Shouting  
KANAYA: Its Obvious His Moirallegiance With Gamzee Is Completely One Sided And There Is No One To Keep Him From Acting Out About All Of This  
ROSE: How about you do it and then he's completely free to go as flushed as he likes with my idiot brother.  
KANAYA: No Youre Not Getting It  
KANAYA: They Are Both Deeply Engaged In Pale Solicitations With Each Other  
KANAYA: Youre Confusing These Interactions Because Of Your Human Understand Of Relationships  
ROSE: I still maintain there is no proof, conclusive or otherwise, that this is exclusively pale.  
KANAYA: I Wish You Had Had A Better Chance To Spend Time With Nepeta  
KANAYA: She Would Have Enjoyed This Saga Immensely

Nepeta would have indeed enjoyed this conversation immensely and you can't help but feel a little sad, not for the first time, that she isn't here to take part in all of this. Although, it certainly would have removed most of the sport from discussing the paradigm shift between the two boys - Nepeta was rarely wrong in her shipping predictions. 

Rose notices the slight fall in your voice despite your best efforts to hide it and she shifts from her end of the couch up to yours to settle back against you, husktop replaced by the novel she had been reading earlier. She reopens the book to the page she was up to and you find yourself reading along over her shoulder. It's a little while before you notice that's she's slowing down her own reading speed, or she's simply giving you time to finish before she turns the page. You smile. 

Just a little more meddling, you think. Just a little more and Karkat will finally be able to make the decision on his own. 

 

**== > BE GAMZEE**

Motherfucking blind bitch is at it again, getting all up in your every fucking thought whenever you close your eyes. You ain't even been thinking straight for fucking perigees and it's all because of her and her motherfucking awful face. Her teeth, her grin, her mother fucking laugh; it's all you fucking see day in, day out. You can't even put the thought of her piece of shit face aside for long enough to get all worked up about the kind of impact this beautiful and motherfucking perfect black as fuck relationship is going to have on your best fucking brother when he finds out you've been sneaking around with his best girl for months behind his back. 

You know you're fucking him over, Karkat, because you ain't even stopped to give him the time of the motherfucking day in what's gotta be something like two and a half perigees. Two and a half perigees without one of his A grade feelings jams and even though it's your fucking fault you want to blame him. You want to find him and scream at him that it's his motherfucking fault because anything's better than this fucking mess being all on you. It's his motherfucking fault and he fucking failed you, he did a shitty job and now you're this. That's all on him. You are what you motherfucking are because of him. 

You could blame the whole fucking mess on the bitch herself and see how that makes you feel. You'd be all up and hating her more for that and you don't know if channelling that much pure fucking rage into your games is something she can handle. You hate her, you fucking hate her face and her hair and her fucking claws and the way she motherfucking laughs when you slap her, but you ain't wanting her dead. You gotta find someone else to blame and it looks like your best brother is the one there waiting to take the fucking fall. You want him to take the motherfucking blame so you can have her all to yourself. You ain't wanting her to have any of that balance they always talk about, it ain't meant for her. She's motherfucking yours, no one else's, and you gotta get your wonder on about how long until she fucking realises that for herself. 

Then came the blind rage, beautiful, beautiful motherfucking blind rage pulsing through your veins again, pumping in your ears. Wasn't nothing you could do to stop the clubs from coming out, couldn't stop yourself from swinging them around the room with nothing but destruction on your mind all because of them, the bitch and your brother, and every fucking thing you smash might as well be their fucking faces. 

You don't know how long it's been when you stop but you're breathing heavily and the room is in one hell of a fucking state. You've broken almost everything before but now the furniture is struggling to hold itself together. Chairs are toppled, their legs splintered into pieces and lying across the floor with the broken glass. You ain't sure where all that came from but it's there under your feet, shards burying themselves deep into the mother fucking carpet. 

You've even managed to dent the steel walls this time. 

Your clubs slip from your grasp to the floor. You'll need another round of this shit soon because there is so much fucking pitch black hatred in you right now and you ain't sure you're able to hold it back for long. You fall to the floor yourself, knuckles already bloody, face about to join. Ain't no one going to tell you not to get your lie on a pile of broken glass.

You've been hearing her fucking laugh in your head for weeks now, ain't able to escape it no matter what you do. It's always just fucking there, echoing, sometimes quieter, sometimes all up in your ear. You ain't ever sure if she's actually there or not but she's one hell of a sly motherfucker when she wants to be. 

Then, her motherfucking laugh again. But this time, this mother fucking time, the best and fucking worst sound in the world is joined by the feel of her sticky breath on the back of your motherfucking neck.


End file.
